anger...it's something you sometimes stamp down...push it down into your gut...stuff it down until you can't hold it any longer and burst out often hurting those around you in some manner.
yup, i flipped my lid...this weekend the kids were refusing to help picking things up and i found myself yelling and screaming i could hardly make sense of what i was yelling about let alone expect my 5 year old sons to understand it. then i realized that pushing all my emotions down for years holding on to past negative experiences stuffing down piles and piles of feelings was making me bitter and angry and resentful, not all of the time, but at certain moments, often when i feel stressed, these negative emotions and all the anger burst out and i freak out...screaming like a mad woman...and the tears that i really needed to release started flowing...i was mad that i was yelling at my kids...angry at myself and sad for them that i had done so, and i was also weeping for other reasons...you see, i used to cry a lot, sometimes i didn't even know why i would cry, but in the last 7 or 8 years, i have cried so few times...yes i cried easily when my boys were first born, but i've done a lot to build a fortress around myself...i've been hurt a lot and stuffed it down and stuffed it down...i stuff down so many feelings that it's not surprising i'm having a hard time loosing weight. i hold all these emotions on my physically as well as the internal damage they have been wreaking. while i was crying and coming to these realizations a little body wrapped around me and i heard declyn's little voice "mommy, i love you! it's gonna be o.k., we're gonna be o.k. you just need love." and i hugged him closer and cried even more...he was right...i try and try to keep from loving and being loved because of the pain that i have suffered, but what i really need is love. i don't remember when i stopped loving myself or when i started stuffing my emotions down, exactly, but i sure as heck am going to switch gears...how can i teach my kids to love themselves and to handle their emotions and express themselves if i am not doing so??? (i even cried while writing this)i cried until i finally felt i could stop and handle the situation calmly.
about a month ago i decided to start being more true to myself and stop feeling the need to defend and explain so much of what i do and immediately ran into a wall... and as usual figured i'd better do as everyone wants/expects...but you know what, it gets me no where. all the explaining what and why and arguing with people who will never understand me or my point of view...so i am taking baby steps..working slowly at being more fully expressed and not taking crap for my decisions...i'm sick of trying to please everyone else and walking on eggshells. i'm sick of hiding my emotions and living up to other people's standards and expectations rather than my own. does this mean i'm going to yell and scream some more, possibly, but i'm hoping to manage to find more constructive ways of handling my negative emotions...i've done it before and can manage to do it again.
anger is a difficult emotion...first there is sorting out the real reason for it, if there is any and sorting out why you are feeling that way and who it is directed at versus who you are really angry at, but if you don't handle it it eats away at you and you stuff it down anyway you can until you can't contain it anymore...i used to write poetry and draw or paint to handle whatever emotions i was feeling...i can never get the time to do those things, nor the money for the supplies these days, but i have to somehow. that and getting back to a regular daily meditation practice...anyway, this is probably not the best post i've ever posted and has more to do with my emotions than it does with parenting, but it's what i got for the moment.
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