handling anger...

anger...it's something you sometimes stamp down...push it down into your gut...stuff it down until you can't hold it any longer and burst out often hurting those around you in some manner.
yup, i flipped my lid...this weekend the kids were refusing to help picking things up and i found myself yelling and screaming i could hardly make sense of what i was yelling about let alone expect my 5 year old sons to understand it. then i realized that pushing all my emotions down for years holding on to past negative experiences stuffing down piles and piles of feelings was making me bitter and angry and resentful, not all of the time, but at certain moments, often when i feel stressed, these negative emotions and all the anger burst out and i freak out...screaming like a mad woman...and the tears that i really needed to release started flowing...i was mad that i was yelling at my kids...angry at myself and sad for them that i had done so, and i was also weeping for other reasons...you see, i used to cry a lot, sometimes i didn't even know why i would cry, but in the last 7 or 8 years, i have cried so few times...yes i cried easily when my boys were first born, but i've done a lot to build a fortress around myself...i've been hurt a lot and stuffed it down and stuffed it down...i stuff down so many feelings that it's not surprising i'm having a hard time loosing weight. i hold all these emotions on my physically as well as the internal damage they have been wreaking. while i was crying and coming to these realizations a little body wrapped around me and i heard declyn's little voice "mommy, i love you! it's gonna be o.k., we're gonna be o.k. you just need love." and i hugged him closer and cried even more...he was right...i try and try to keep from loving and being loved because of the pain that i have suffered, but what i really need is love. i don't remember when i stopped loving myself or when i started stuffing my emotions down, exactly, but i sure as heck am going to switch gears...how can i teach my kids to love themselves and to handle their emotions and express themselves if i am not doing so??? (i even cried while writing this)i cried until i finally felt i could stop and handle the situation calmly.
about a month ago i decided to start being more true to myself and stop feeling the need to defend and explain so much of what i do and immediately ran into a wall... and as usual figured i'd better do as everyone wants/expects...but you know what, it gets me no where. all the explaining what and why and arguing with people who will never understand me or my point of view...so i am taking baby steps..working slowly at being more fully expressed and not taking crap for my decisions...i'm sick of trying to please everyone else and walking on eggshells. i'm sick of hiding my emotions and living up to other people's standards and expectations rather than my own. does this mean i'm going to yell and scream some more, possibly, but i'm hoping to manage to find more constructive ways of handling my negative emotions...i've done it before and can manage to do it again.
anger is a difficult emotion...first there is sorting out the real reason for it, if there is any and sorting out why you are feeling that way and who it is directed at versus who you are really angry at, but if you don't handle it it eats away at you and you stuff it down anyway you can until you can't contain it anymore...i used to write poetry and draw or paint to handle whatever emotions i was feeling...i can never get the time to do those things, nor the money for the supplies these days, but i have to somehow. that and getting back to a regular daily meditation practice...anyway, this is probably not the best post i've ever posted and has more to do with my emotions than it does with parenting, but it's what i got for the moment.

bullying and other updates

so...it turns out my eldest nephew is also having bullying problems...this one kid has been bullying him and his friends all year and the teachers do nothing but put the kid in detention...so much for the zero tollerence for bullying laws. finally, after getting shoved 1 to many times, my nephew turned and punched the kid, then got a 2 day suspension. i don't approve of violence, but really??? this kid is an honor roll kid, never in trouble and the bully is a known trouble maker who has been reported repeatedly for bullying... why is the bully even still bullying? shouldn't he be in counseling or have been suspended or expelled? i talked to other people who are having the same problems with thier kids, bullying being reported and teachers doing little to nothing.

anyway, my sons have been off of school most of this week and were supposed to be helping me with some cleaning and re-organising projects, which haven't gotten done, but we have had some discussions about propper behavior and about bullying. connor told me the bully he has told him he wasn't cool and i told him what isn't cool is telling other people that they are not cool and that as a matter of fact connor is one really cool kid because he is not affraid to be himself and being yourself is what really makes you cool. there are only 2 and 1/2 weeks left of school, so i think we'll do ok, but i am going to talk to the teachers.

i haven't written about it yet, but connor had some major dental work done...he had to go into Children's Hospital and be put to sleep so that he could get x-rays, fillings, caps and some teeth pulled...we went for our follow up this week and he is healing well. the dentist said that she doesn't know how but it seems that the decay was haulted in 3 of the 4 front teeth or he might have had to have them all out, the one he did have to have out had been chipped and had lots of dammage on the tiny bit of tooth that was left (he has really tiny teeth), but i think a few of the changes i made really helped. i read that going grain free helps with dental decay, and while i haven't been able to completely eliminate the grain yet, i have limited it and stopped using flouride and started drinking spring water (our tap water contains flouride) and started using real grassfed butter, while i think some other changes and totally eliminating the grains may help even more the fact that we stopped the decay in 3 of the teeth that they thought may have to come out is a good sign.i've read in several places that flouride can sometimes actually make tooth decay worse. i'm reading more about diet and health in relation to tooth decay, since both boys have lots of dental issues and will report back as i make more ajustments and we have more dental exams.

one last thing for today... Declyn has been throwing major temper tantrums the last 2 days, esp. when i ask him to do things...he acts goofy, then he acts fresh then he gets destructive and violent, i actually have had to physically restrain him by holding his arms and/or pinning him to his bed (mostly because he keeps punching me or his brother or throwing things at us)and even then he screams and turns red and struggles, i then talk to him as calmly as i can and explain that i love him but his behavior is unacceptable...while he still acts angry for a bit and may even try hitting me, again i do my best from there to just give him some time and space to think...finally he told me today "i have feelings i don't understand and can't explain and it makes me mad." (this often happens when he is tired and much of the anger is directed at me and/or his brother, so could be jelousy, but i don't know), what i have sorted out is that sometimes what he really needs is just some time to think quietly, so i'm trying to work out some ways he can express his feelings in a more constructive manner and/or have a quite break without feeling like i'm putting him in time out. he really is a deep thinker and very intense child who asks many questions and observes his surroundings astutely and i think he internalizes everything until he doesn't know what to do with it all, much like his mother. i will keep everyone posted on this progress as well.