so much...so so much to say

i'm not totally sure where to start...i feel like i've been failing as a blogger, i don't blog all that regularly, but also i sometimes feel like i'm not being as good a parent as i should then things like what happened today happen...

As usual we were snuggling in bed while waking up, morning snuggle time is a favorite time in our house and connor looked at me and said "you are the best mommy, in the whole world! i'm so glad i have a nice mommy, like you, not like _____'s mommy!" (mind you the words may not be exact, since it happend several hours ago and i omitted the other child's name, not that i completely remember it). he went on to tell me about how the girl he mentioned gets hit by her mommy, sometimes for no reason and sometimes with a belt...the look of horror on my face must have been noticeable, because both kids climbed up closer and snuggled more tightly with me as we discussed it...i told connor that we needed to tell his guidance counselor because someone needed to know who can try to keep her safe...and i did my best not to break down crying for the poor girl right then and there. during breakfast the boys asked about why a parent would do that and the best i could come up with was that maybe they were broken and hurting inside and didn't know how to love.
after the kids had gone to school i posted on facebook about how/why i was feeling distracted and got into some conversations with dear friends about it, but before that i had called the school and left a message for the guidance counselor. something during the conversation with my friends made me realize that i am totally overcritical of my parenting skills...while i have had mistakes and rough spots, i've learned a lot we've come a long way and have been implementing all sorts of things that allow my kids to feel safe telling me just about anything and we can discuss openly how we feel (for the most part...declyn still has times that he'd prefer thinking in silence until he feels ready to talk) and we have been having far fewer breakdowns since we started admitting we all need a little quiet time for ourselves from time to time and that sometimes what we really need is a hug or someone to hear and listen to what we are saying. i still yell sometimes, but i yell less and i catch myself and take a quick "time out"...we are all works in progress and i would never even think to use any implement or even my hand on my kids violently.
Right now i'm hoping that the guidance counselor is getting that poor sweet girl some sort of help and has talked to connor. I'll try to be back tomorrow with some friday link love.
peace, love, unity, respect...one love to you all. ((hugs))

house cleaning, ballet and a boy with fashion sense...

yup, that sort of sums up this week...i'm trying to get things clean around here (nothing new there) and declyn went to the eye doctor...his eyesight is making big improvements and he may be done with glasses within a couple of years. tuesday the kids had a day off (professional development day?)and we went to the mall and stopped into a kids clothes store where declyn fell in love with an argyle sweater vest and fedora and driver cap...yup...this boy has a sense of style. he also liked the "handsome shirts" (button up/oxford shirts) and some neckties and bowties. now if you ask him what he wants for christmas/yule it's "drums, that cool hat (fedora) and science stuff and tools"...gotta love it! this morning declyn was doing ballet while i was making breakfast and i told him he was doing lovely ballet and he said he'd love to take ballet class, but was afraid that boys can't do ballet, i re-assured him that they could and i posted on facebook about it and we have gotten quite a bit of support...really, not enough boys do ballet or are encouraged to follow such dreams. I'm hoping to find some local classes maybe he and his cousin, lolli could take classes together.

anyway...having twins one of the things i've really wanted to instill is a sense of individuality...i really don't like that so many people clump them in as if they were one child...they are so incredibly different...they may look (nearly)identical, but they have different personalities, different tastes in clothing, different interests. i have always been a bit unique and i really don't express myself through clothing and style the way i once did...when i had kids i got rid of some of my more radical clothes (a lot of my punk and/or goth stuff) and i regret that...i think i need to set an example for my kids by being myself and fully expressing who i am so that they can feel more free to express who they are...connor is a jeans and t-shirts, comfortable not too fancy shoes kind of kid...sure he likes a nice shirt or sweater for dressing up, but he'd rather wear a t-shirt most days, right now he really wants a skull sweatshirt that zips all the way up so that the hood is also a mask and he loves all things rock and roll and thinks steampunk styled stuff (esp. hot air balloons and airships)and guitars and all forms of rock and roll type things (skulls, music, instramants) are cool and loves to draw. Declyn is more interested in drums, science, steampunk (esp. anything to do with mad scientist, science and inventions) and "handsome" things (fedoras, driver caps, oxford shirts sweaters/sweater vests, vests, khakis, neckties, bowties or if he wears t-shirts or henleys preferably they have no pictures) and ballet. i do what i can to encourage all of their interests and to nurture their individuality. this morning, at the bus stop, declyn has built a "fortress" actually he and connor built it together(they work well together) by lining up and piling several larger rocks and some of the bigger kids purposely knock it down...partially because these kids are never monitored by parents and partially because they just don't get it...that rocks can be a fortress or that that can be something so important that declyn gets angry and yells and screams and turns red in the face over it...i told declyn we'll rebuild his fortress in a secret location over the weekend. Declyn doesn't get that other people have no imagination...connor gets this and since i had told him that people don't see fairies or dragons because they don't know how to look with their 3rd eye was trying to tell children and adults alike that they could see dragons if they looked with their 3rd eye and explained "but you have to be ready, really ready." when people looked at him strangely he walked off shaking his head and mumbling "oh...they aren't ready...no one is ready." very exasperated...connor gets that others don't know how to see things the way we often do and he'd like to help them, but he hasn't figured out that most people never will open themselves to the wonders that can be there if you just shift your perspective and open up to the possibilities of what lies beyond the veil of the mundane.

so another weekend is about to start...last week my neighbors kept us up/woke us up with their partying and i'm not looking forward to that, however i am looking into some possible changes that could at least get us away from this neighborhood...if not in a terribly improved situation at least to a better place for us. well, off to do more cleaning...have some floors to clean and pans to scrub, i promised the kids that they could help with the bathrooms...since that is "science expirament bathroom cleaning"..hehe. oh and happy Spirit Day....i hope others are wearing their purple and bringing awareness to the issue of bullying.

simplifying...

i won't lie...sometimes i loose it and i find myself yelling "how many times do i have to tell you not to jump on the couch!!!!???" later, i always feel bad, but take note of ways i could better handle the situation..we learn from out mistakes and i could blame it on PMS or the pain i'm in or the stress i'm under, but rather than do that i think "how can i do this better??? how can i get the kids to do what i want without yelling or being negative? how can i put a positive spin on the situation?" some answers are easier than others and it often depends on the situation and kids being kids are not always going to respond how we want, so you have to let go and learn which things need pressing and which things need to be let to slide...often discussing why jumping on the couch (or peeing out the front door, or whatever it may be) is going to possibly effect things helps..."if you pee out the front door it makes it smell icky when people walk up. do you want it to smell icky? would you like to sit in a yucky smelling garden and drink your tea?" so far it is helping some, but jumping on the couch seems to be harder to deter...so i keep working at simplifying my approaches and letting go of whatever doesn't work for us, maybe they won't ever stop, until they are much older or someone gets hurt badly, but yelling does NOT work (it just makes my vocal chords sore). i've also caught myself doing something my mother and grandmother do much of and always have...i never thought of it as "shaming" until reading an article about it, but talking about something the child has done that was "wrong" in front of them or talking loudly to them in front of a group of people about what they did "wrong"...it's something i see a lot of people do and i always just kind of thought was normal, but then i think of how my relationships go and how i feel and that "un-loveable" feeling mentioned in the article crops up in my mind. my grandmother has improved some in this but my mom does it sometimes even today with me and i've caught myself doing it with my kids...so now, i try to make myself think twice about what i say and how i say it...i sometimes slip up, but really, kids feel bad enough if you have to pull them aside to talk about their actions, they don't need you talking loud enough for everyone to hear, nor do they need you announcing to everyone what they've done, while they sit by...so i'm simplifying things...i'm only saying positive things as often as possible, especially if the kids are in earshot and working at less demeaning ways of talking with/to the children if their behavior needs addressing in public. i often feel like everyone around me is judging me and my parenting style and sometimes i feel quite incompetent as a parent, but if i actually let those feelings interfere with my desire to raise well adjusted children who know they are loved and loveable and know how to make decisions and think then i am compromising myself and my children.

i was going to write more about other areas in which i am simplifying, but i don't want to make a 3 page post...so again simplifying a bit...just a quick note on the other things i am doing. i have been cleaning out and organizing the house, getting rid of things that no longer serve us or just add clutter. also, anyone who knows me knows i have some digestive issues and struggle with my weight and also that i've been a vegetarian, vegan, raw vegan, eaten paleo, tried south beach diet and numerous other things and really i am sick of all forms of dieting and fads and super restrictive eating, but something i have picked up is that real foods are always best and while this blog is about parenting feeding your kids and providing good wholesome nutrition is part of parenting so on that note i may be sharing some good real food and whole food recipes from time to time in the future. ok...back to cleaning the house before the kids come home and myattention goes to spending time with them.

just a quick note

just dropping in for a quick note...

the kids get out of school for the summer on next tuesday, they graduate from preschool and we start a summer of fun and preparation for kindergarten. i must admit that i'm a bit nervous about kindergarten...declyn still can't write his name and that is one of the things that the teachers want him to be able to do, as well as count to 10, sing the ABC's and identify his letters and numbers...so we'll be spending a little bit of time most days practicing...maybe i'll have declyn help me count as we set the table and/or count out fruits/veggies we buy at the grocery store or farmer's market, for that matter, maybe connor and declyn could take turns with that.

i'm also going to be doing a lot of testing various healthy recipes to find out exactly what healthy foods the boys enjoy eating enough for me to pack them for lunches...i really am not a big fan of school lunches, but the school they are going to is supposed to be a green school so i'll see if thier lunches are any better than others.

i just remembered that tomorrow is the Gay Pride Parade in Boston...Woo-Hoo! one of my best friends and her fiance are picking the little men and i up so that we can all go in together and we may meet up with other friends there. the parade is always cool as are all the booths and the music, it should be fun.

well, i'm on a mission to do some major cleaning and organising of my kitchen today, so i'll update again when i get the chance.

bullying and other updates

so...it turns out my eldest nephew is also having bullying problems...this one kid has been bullying him and his friends all year and the teachers do nothing but put the kid in detention...so much for the zero tollerence for bullying laws. finally, after getting shoved 1 to many times, my nephew turned and punched the kid, then got a 2 day suspension. i don't approve of violence, but really??? this kid is an honor roll kid, never in trouble and the bully is a known trouble maker who has been reported repeatedly for bullying... why is the bully even still bullying? shouldn't he be in counseling or have been suspended or expelled? i talked to other people who are having the same problems with thier kids, bullying being reported and teachers doing little to nothing.

anyway, my sons have been off of school most of this week and were supposed to be helping me with some cleaning and re-organising projects, which haven't gotten done, but we have had some discussions about propper behavior and about bullying. connor told me the bully he has told him he wasn't cool and i told him what isn't cool is telling other people that they are not cool and that as a matter of fact connor is one really cool kid because he is not affraid to be himself and being yourself is what really makes you cool. there are only 2 and 1/2 weeks left of school, so i think we'll do ok, but i am going to talk to the teachers.

i haven't written about it yet, but connor had some major dental work done...he had to go into Children's Hospital and be put to sleep so that he could get x-rays, fillings, caps and some teeth pulled...we went for our follow up this week and he is healing well. the dentist said that she doesn't know how but it seems that the decay was haulted in 3 of the 4 front teeth or he might have had to have them all out, the one he did have to have out had been chipped and had lots of dammage on the tiny bit of tooth that was left (he has really tiny teeth), but i think a few of the changes i made really helped. i read that going grain free helps with dental decay, and while i haven't been able to completely eliminate the grain yet, i have limited it and stopped using flouride and started drinking spring water (our tap water contains flouride) and started using real grassfed butter, while i think some other changes and totally eliminating the grains may help even more the fact that we stopped the decay in 3 of the teeth that they thought may have to come out is a good sign.i've read in several places that flouride can sometimes actually make tooth decay worse. i'm reading more about diet and health in relation to tooth decay, since both boys have lots of dental issues and will report back as i make more ajustments and we have more dental exams.

one last thing for today... Declyn has been throwing major temper tantrums the last 2 days, esp. when i ask him to do things...he acts goofy, then he acts fresh then he gets destructive and violent, i actually have had to physically restrain him by holding his arms and/or pinning him to his bed (mostly because he keeps punching me or his brother or throwing things at us)and even then he screams and turns red and struggles, i then talk to him as calmly as i can and explain that i love him but his behavior is unacceptable...while he still acts angry for a bit and may even try hitting me, again i do my best from there to just give him some time and space to think...finally he told me today "i have feelings i don't understand and can't explain and it makes me mad." (this often happens when he is tired and much of the anger is directed at me and/or his brother, so could be jelousy, but i don't know), what i have sorted out is that sometimes what he really needs is just some time to think quietly, so i'm trying to work out some ways he can express his feelings in a more constructive manner and/or have a quite break without feeling like i'm putting him in time out. he really is a deep thinker and very intense child who asks many questions and observes his surroundings astutely and i think he internalizes everything until he doesn't know what to do with it all, much like his mother. i will keep everyone posted on this progress as well.

Dealling with a Bully !!!

so...i haven't updated in quite some time.things have been kids aof a wreck...acid reflux and gallbladder issues for me and connor's teeth...he just had 3 pulled and some caps and fillings, the good news is that some of the changes that i made such as eliminating floride and adding in grassfed butter to his diet haulted the decay on 3 teeth or he would have lost all 4 front teeth not just 1 in the front (which was mostly as bad as it was due to a chip he got over a year ago). also, i haven't really been sure what exactly i wanted to write about...i had ideas, but ws really up in the air.


well, i've decided to write about 2 issues...bullying and LGBT rights/issues. why??? well because they are dear to me and because they are issues that our family is dealing with at the moment.


it's hard to write this because only about 3 or 4 people really know this others may have guessed at it, but i'm bisexual...i think i've always known, yet i didn't really fully know or understand until i was about 16...i've mostly dated men because it's easy and expected, but i have dated women and sometimes, especially lately i wonder "why do i even need a man in my life?" i mean i have the kids i always wanted and i find so few men attractive, but there are some here and there that are very attractive..so i just don't worry about it...i think the focus should be more on the soul of a person...finding a soulmate, not being held back by gender barriers. but, that's only the tip of the iceberg...here's what it really gets down to...i try not to read anything into my kids refering to thier best female friends as girlfriends and declyn's refering to his best male friend asa boyfriend..they are only 5 years old and they have very simplistic and innocent ideas about marriage and love and relationships...also my sons have no father...they have never met thier father and thier father has nothing to do with us, that is, so we have a mom who isnot sure if she'll ever marry or if it does happen weather it'll be a male or female and 2 little boys who have lots of friends with a mom and dad...meaning they are really wanting a dad...that's not all...one of the kids at school teases them about not having a dad and declyn makes up stories and now connor is starting to about some imaginary dad. this same kidtold declyn when he said that he wanted to marry his friend (a boy), because "two people who love eachother get married" that boys can't marry boys...in MA, where we live "boys can marry boys" as long as they are both consenting adults, and i explained that..but this bring me to the bullying, but first let me say that my kids already know that some boys love boys and some boys love girl and some girls love boys and some girls love girls, tec...i have even had to find simple ways to explain transgender to them, which isn't as hard as it sounds, because of one of my cousins teenage children being transgenedered so they have a pretty good understanding...they think it's kind of funny that a boy might want to be a girl, since they love being boys, but they accept that some boys feel like girls inside and some girls feel like boys inside.


we have had some mild bullying for years all the kids in our neighborhood insist on calling connor and declyn "Zack and Cody" no matter how angry it makes them, so they don't get to play with the nieghborhood kids much, but now we have a whole other level...thankfully this kid that is a problem will not be in thier school next year, but as someone who was bullied no matter where i lived or what school i was in i can't stand that it seems like my kids have targets painted on thier back as well.last year at school there was aboy who was a little bit of a bully, but by the end of the year both connor and declyn had befriended him and it turned out that he was just needing a friend and feeling a little jelous, but the kid we are dealing with this year is different...he told declyn at the beginning of the year that he couldn't be freinds with another little boy who declyn had been freinds with last year "because he's black and that means he's too different from us. he's weird." declyn and i discussed this extensively and i sent notes to the teachers and eventually declyn came arround, then declyn mentioned the marriage thing i mentioned above and i started thinking "this kid has to get this kind of racist, biggoted thinking from somewhere?", but it's not all...there is the "you don't have a dad!" thing and telling connor "you have abig head!" and "you are nothing!" and "you are a bully!"...all of this came out this week...connor has been holding it inside, but having a week at home with me he has been talking about it, crying about it...and everytime i raise my voice and yell (still working on not loosing it when i'm at my wits end) he breaks out with "i don't think you love me! i'm nobody!" i immedeatly take him in my arms and hug him and tell him how much i love him and how he's a very special little boy. i told him to tell the teachers when the other boy says things, but he says they just tell him to walk away from the other boy. right now i'm trying to decide how to breech it with the teachers myself, but it has to be adressed!


reading this aritcle (http://benandbirdy.blogspot.com/2012/04/why-be-normal-when-you-could-be-happy.html) from ben and birdie i did discover a cool resource that i can't wait to order from that may be of some help with all of the above situations http://www.reachandteach.com/content/index.php they have some great anti-bullying stuff and eco friendly toys and things and books and coloring books about all kinds of issues near and dear to me.

making time...

okay, so i've said before that i'm not very good at blogging...i tend to post whenever and not really stick to a schedual. i've had tons of ideas for things to write and then not written them... so i've decided to make time. i'm going to schedual myself some time every week to update my blog. i'm writting this on a sunday, but i'm thinking that thursday nights are usually the best time for me to blog, at least at this point in time.
some other things about making time...i realised that it often seems that i have little time for anything but washing dishes and doing laundry and otherwise clening or spent on tactics to avoid doing cleaning that i don't feel like doing, so i've decided to schedual times for that as well...carve out 30 minutes after dinner each day for doing dishes (also having the kids help...at thier age it is fun to help) and having a specific day, say mondays for laundry. i'm planning to limit time on the computer, for me and limit time watching tv or playing wii for the kids in order to make more time for the things we really want to do.
so i've found some blogs that mention parenting ideas that are pretty much in tune with what i aim to practice and found out about non violent communication and simplicity parenting...both things i want to read more about and work on incorporating into our lives...i hadn't even realised that there were books and blogs out there about the subject, but wow! it's so cool...i think i'll do more about that in another post since connor just climbed up in my lap and fell asleep (he's not feeling well today, so i'm hoping the rest will help him feel better).

accentuating the positives and elimintaing the negatives

ok...so i've tried blogging many times before, but finding something i really wanted to write about or that seemed really worthwhile has been a challenge, however my friend Ilara had been posting on faceboook about negativity and needing more love in the world and someone had commented about the idea that the brain doesn't process the "no" or "not" in front of a word so thinking "no war" your brain processes "war" so it's better to think "peace"...i started thinking "well, how would that be to raise kids with that in mind and to not only use that with our kids but hard wire our whole brain and thinking to eliminate the negative and accentuate the positive". now this will take quite some time and a lot of work since for 35 years my brain has been pretty much trained to be the way it is and unlearning the negative thoughts and reprogramming to think positive and training my 4 and 1/2 year old twins to also focus on the positive could take quite a bit of work...i know when i'm angry i snap into the kind of mode i've always had people react to me...with yelling and aggressiveness, which is going to be a huge hurdle to navigate, but i believe that it can be done.
i'm formulating a plan...my sons and i will do yoga and i'll need to make mediation time for myself as well as doing some journaling and some meditating with the kids and while there are just my sons and i i think we would benefit from "family meetings" and the use of a talking stick, which i will make...i'm also looking into connecting more with our environment and with our food really getting to know our food and food sources better (and eliminating processed foods) as i think that what we eat greatly impacts our moods (partially due to our bodies toxic load and the energetic values of food, etc.). at this point i'm only reiki 1 certified, but would like to work my way up to reiki master and i want to work more with the kids on the reiki energy and reiki training...they are already aces at making reiki energy balls. i found that for the first week or so after receiving my reiki 1 attunements(many years ago) that i was less stressed and less aggressive (aka...much more relaxed and positive). another thing i think would help is to clean out and declutter our home and in fact our whole lives as much as possible (this may take quite some time and lots of baby steps).
people talk about holistic health and i'm a huge fan of holistic health approaches, but i want people to think of parenting holistically as well...nurturing the whole child...their mind, their creativity, their spirit and their body and whole foods and clear clean actions, intentions etc would really help in doing so. i'll be checking back in with progress on our accentuating the positive and eliminating the negative progress and on other radical parenting notions as regularly as i can.