so much...so so much to say

i'm not totally sure where to start...i feel like i've been failing as a blogger, i don't blog all that regularly, but also i sometimes feel like i'm not being as good a parent as i should then things like what happened today happen...

As usual we were snuggling in bed while waking up, morning snuggle time is a favorite time in our house and connor looked at me and said "you are the best mommy, in the whole world! i'm so glad i have a nice mommy, like you, not like _____'s mommy!" (mind you the words may not be exact, since it happend several hours ago and i omitted the other child's name, not that i completely remember it). he went on to tell me about how the girl he mentioned gets hit by her mommy, sometimes for no reason and sometimes with a belt...the look of horror on my face must have been noticeable, because both kids climbed up closer and snuggled more tightly with me as we discussed it...i told connor that we needed to tell his guidance counselor because someone needed to know who can try to keep her safe...and i did my best not to break down crying for the poor girl right then and there. during breakfast the boys asked about why a parent would do that and the best i could come up with was that maybe they were broken and hurting inside and didn't know how to love.
after the kids had gone to school i posted on facebook about how/why i was feeling distracted and got into some conversations with dear friends about it, but before that i had called the school and left a message for the guidance counselor. something during the conversation with my friends made me realize that i am totally overcritical of my parenting skills...while i have had mistakes and rough spots, i've learned a lot we've come a long way and have been implementing all sorts of things that allow my kids to feel safe telling me just about anything and we can discuss openly how we feel (for the most part...declyn still has times that he'd prefer thinking in silence until he feels ready to talk) and we have been having far fewer breakdowns since we started admitting we all need a little quiet time for ourselves from time to time and that sometimes what we really need is a hug or someone to hear and listen to what we are saying. i still yell sometimes, but i yell less and i catch myself and take a quick "time out"...we are all works in progress and i would never even think to use any implement or even my hand on my kids violently.
Right now i'm hoping that the guidance counselor is getting that poor sweet girl some sort of help and has talked to connor. I'll try to be back tomorrow with some friday link love.
peace, love, unity, respect...one love to you all. ((hugs))

handling anger...

anger...it's something you sometimes stamp down...push it down into your gut...stuff it down until you can't hold it any longer and burst out often hurting those around you in some manner.
yup, i flipped my lid...this weekend the kids were refusing to help picking things up and i found myself yelling and screaming i could hardly make sense of what i was yelling about let alone expect my 5 year old sons to understand it. then i realized that pushing all my emotions down for years holding on to past negative experiences stuffing down piles and piles of feelings was making me bitter and angry and resentful, not all of the time, but at certain moments, often when i feel stressed, these negative emotions and all the anger burst out and i freak out...screaming like a mad woman...and the tears that i really needed to release started flowing...i was mad that i was yelling at my kids...angry at myself and sad for them that i had done so, and i was also weeping for other reasons...you see, i used to cry a lot, sometimes i didn't even know why i would cry, but in the last 7 or 8 years, i have cried so few times...yes i cried easily when my boys were first born, but i've done a lot to build a fortress around myself...i've been hurt a lot and stuffed it down and stuffed it down...i stuff down so many feelings that it's not surprising i'm having a hard time loosing weight. i hold all these emotions on my physically as well as the internal damage they have been wreaking. while i was crying and coming to these realizations a little body wrapped around me and i heard declyn's little voice "mommy, i love you! it's gonna be o.k., we're gonna be o.k. you just need love." and i hugged him closer and cried even more...he was right...i try and try to keep from loving and being loved because of the pain that i have suffered, but what i really need is love. i don't remember when i stopped loving myself or when i started stuffing my emotions down, exactly, but i sure as heck am going to switch gears...how can i teach my kids to love themselves and to handle their emotions and express themselves if i am not doing so??? (i even cried while writing this)i cried until i finally felt i could stop and handle the situation calmly.
about a month ago i decided to start being more true to myself and stop feeling the need to defend and explain so much of what i do and immediately ran into a wall... and as usual figured i'd better do as everyone wants/expects...but you know what, it gets me no where. all the explaining what and why and arguing with people who will never understand me or my point of view...so i am taking baby steps..working slowly at being more fully expressed and not taking crap for my decisions...i'm sick of trying to please everyone else and walking on eggshells. i'm sick of hiding my emotions and living up to other people's standards and expectations rather than my own. does this mean i'm going to yell and scream some more, possibly, but i'm hoping to manage to find more constructive ways of handling my negative emotions...i've done it before and can manage to do it again.
anger is a difficult emotion...first there is sorting out the real reason for it, if there is any and sorting out why you are feeling that way and who it is directed at versus who you are really angry at, but if you don't handle it it eats away at you and you stuff it down anyway you can until you can't contain it anymore...i used to write poetry and draw or paint to handle whatever emotions i was feeling...i can never get the time to do those things, nor the money for the supplies these days, but i have to somehow. that and getting back to a regular daily meditation practice...anyway, this is probably not the best post i've ever posted and has more to do with my emotions than it does with parenting, but it's what i got for the moment.

house cleaning, ballet and a boy with fashion sense...

yup, that sort of sums up this week...i'm trying to get things clean around here (nothing new there) and declyn went to the eye doctor...his eyesight is making big improvements and he may be done with glasses within a couple of years. tuesday the kids had a day off (professional development day?)and we went to the mall and stopped into a kids clothes store where declyn fell in love with an argyle sweater vest and fedora and driver cap...yup...this boy has a sense of style. he also liked the "handsome shirts" (button up/oxford shirts) and some neckties and bowties. now if you ask him what he wants for christmas/yule it's "drums, that cool hat (fedora) and science stuff and tools"...gotta love it! this morning declyn was doing ballet while i was making breakfast and i told him he was doing lovely ballet and he said he'd love to take ballet class, but was afraid that boys can't do ballet, i re-assured him that they could and i posted on facebook about it and we have gotten quite a bit of support...really, not enough boys do ballet or are encouraged to follow such dreams. I'm hoping to find some local classes maybe he and his cousin, lolli could take classes together.

anyway...having twins one of the things i've really wanted to instill is a sense of individuality...i really don't like that so many people clump them in as if they were one child...they are so incredibly different...they may look (nearly)identical, but they have different personalities, different tastes in clothing, different interests. i have always been a bit unique and i really don't express myself through clothing and style the way i once did...when i had kids i got rid of some of my more radical clothes (a lot of my punk and/or goth stuff) and i regret that...i think i need to set an example for my kids by being myself and fully expressing who i am so that they can feel more free to express who they are...connor is a jeans and t-shirts, comfortable not too fancy shoes kind of kid...sure he likes a nice shirt or sweater for dressing up, but he'd rather wear a t-shirt most days, right now he really wants a skull sweatshirt that zips all the way up so that the hood is also a mask and he loves all things rock and roll and thinks steampunk styled stuff (esp. hot air balloons and airships)and guitars and all forms of rock and roll type things (skulls, music, instramants) are cool and loves to draw. Declyn is more interested in drums, science, steampunk (esp. anything to do with mad scientist, science and inventions) and "handsome" things (fedoras, driver caps, oxford shirts sweaters/sweater vests, vests, khakis, neckties, bowties or if he wears t-shirts or henleys preferably they have no pictures) and ballet. i do what i can to encourage all of their interests and to nurture their individuality. this morning, at the bus stop, declyn has built a "fortress" actually he and connor built it together(they work well together) by lining up and piling several larger rocks and some of the bigger kids purposely knock it down...partially because these kids are never monitored by parents and partially because they just don't get it...that rocks can be a fortress or that that can be something so important that declyn gets angry and yells and screams and turns red in the face over it...i told declyn we'll rebuild his fortress in a secret location over the weekend. Declyn doesn't get that other people have no imagination...connor gets this and since i had told him that people don't see fairies or dragons because they don't know how to look with their 3rd eye was trying to tell children and adults alike that they could see dragons if they looked with their 3rd eye and explained "but you have to be ready, really ready." when people looked at him strangely he walked off shaking his head and mumbling "oh...they aren't ready...no one is ready." very exasperated...connor gets that others don't know how to see things the way we often do and he'd like to help them, but he hasn't figured out that most people never will open themselves to the wonders that can be there if you just shift your perspective and open up to the possibilities of what lies beyond the veil of the mundane.

so another weekend is about to start...last week my neighbors kept us up/woke us up with their partying and i'm not looking forward to that, however i am looking into some possible changes that could at least get us away from this neighborhood...if not in a terribly improved situation at least to a better place for us. well, off to do more cleaning...have some floors to clean and pans to scrub, i promised the kids that they could help with the bathrooms...since that is "science expirament bathroom cleaning"..hehe. oh and happy Spirit Day....i hope others are wearing their purple and bringing awareness to the issue of bullying.

simplifying...

i won't lie...sometimes i loose it and i find myself yelling "how many times do i have to tell you not to jump on the couch!!!!???" later, i always feel bad, but take note of ways i could better handle the situation..we learn from out mistakes and i could blame it on PMS or the pain i'm in or the stress i'm under, but rather than do that i think "how can i do this better??? how can i get the kids to do what i want without yelling or being negative? how can i put a positive spin on the situation?" some answers are easier than others and it often depends on the situation and kids being kids are not always going to respond how we want, so you have to let go and learn which things need pressing and which things need to be let to slide...often discussing why jumping on the couch (or peeing out the front door, or whatever it may be) is going to possibly effect things helps..."if you pee out the front door it makes it smell icky when people walk up. do you want it to smell icky? would you like to sit in a yucky smelling garden and drink your tea?" so far it is helping some, but jumping on the couch seems to be harder to deter...so i keep working at simplifying my approaches and letting go of whatever doesn't work for us, maybe they won't ever stop, until they are much older or someone gets hurt badly, but yelling does NOT work (it just makes my vocal chords sore). i've also caught myself doing something my mother and grandmother do much of and always have...i never thought of it as "shaming" until reading an article about it, but talking about something the child has done that was "wrong" in front of them or talking loudly to them in front of a group of people about what they did "wrong"...it's something i see a lot of people do and i always just kind of thought was normal, but then i think of how my relationships go and how i feel and that "un-loveable" feeling mentioned in the article crops up in my mind. my grandmother has improved some in this but my mom does it sometimes even today with me and i've caught myself doing it with my kids...so now, i try to make myself think twice about what i say and how i say it...i sometimes slip up, but really, kids feel bad enough if you have to pull them aside to talk about their actions, they don't need you talking loud enough for everyone to hear, nor do they need you announcing to everyone what they've done, while they sit by...so i'm simplifying things...i'm only saying positive things as often as possible, especially if the kids are in earshot and working at less demeaning ways of talking with/to the children if their behavior needs addressing in public. i often feel like everyone around me is judging me and my parenting style and sometimes i feel quite incompetent as a parent, but if i actually let those feelings interfere with my desire to raise well adjusted children who know they are loved and loveable and know how to make decisions and think then i am compromising myself and my children.

i was going to write more about other areas in which i am simplifying, but i don't want to make a 3 page post...so again simplifying a bit...just a quick note on the other things i am doing. i have been cleaning out and organizing the house, getting rid of things that no longer serve us or just add clutter. also, anyone who knows me knows i have some digestive issues and struggle with my weight and also that i've been a vegetarian, vegan, raw vegan, eaten paleo, tried south beach diet and numerous other things and really i am sick of all forms of dieting and fads and super restrictive eating, but something i have picked up is that real foods are always best and while this blog is about parenting feeding your kids and providing good wholesome nutrition is part of parenting so on that note i may be sharing some good real food and whole food recipes from time to time in the future. ok...back to cleaning the house before the kids come home and myattention goes to spending time with them.

bullying and other updates

so...it turns out my eldest nephew is also having bullying problems...this one kid has been bullying him and his friends all year and the teachers do nothing but put the kid in detention...so much for the zero tollerence for bullying laws. finally, after getting shoved 1 to many times, my nephew turned and punched the kid, then got a 2 day suspension. i don't approve of violence, but really??? this kid is an honor roll kid, never in trouble and the bully is a known trouble maker who has been reported repeatedly for bullying... why is the bully even still bullying? shouldn't he be in counseling or have been suspended or expelled? i talked to other people who are having the same problems with thier kids, bullying being reported and teachers doing little to nothing.

anyway, my sons have been off of school most of this week and were supposed to be helping me with some cleaning and re-organising projects, which haven't gotten done, but we have had some discussions about propper behavior and about bullying. connor told me the bully he has told him he wasn't cool and i told him what isn't cool is telling other people that they are not cool and that as a matter of fact connor is one really cool kid because he is not affraid to be himself and being yourself is what really makes you cool. there are only 2 and 1/2 weeks left of school, so i think we'll do ok, but i am going to talk to the teachers.

i haven't written about it yet, but connor had some major dental work done...he had to go into Children's Hospital and be put to sleep so that he could get x-rays, fillings, caps and some teeth pulled...we went for our follow up this week and he is healing well. the dentist said that she doesn't know how but it seems that the decay was haulted in 3 of the 4 front teeth or he might have had to have them all out, the one he did have to have out had been chipped and had lots of dammage on the tiny bit of tooth that was left (he has really tiny teeth), but i think a few of the changes i made really helped. i read that going grain free helps with dental decay, and while i haven't been able to completely eliminate the grain yet, i have limited it and stopped using flouride and started drinking spring water (our tap water contains flouride) and started using real grassfed butter, while i think some other changes and totally eliminating the grains may help even more the fact that we stopped the decay in 3 of the teeth that they thought may have to come out is a good sign.i've read in several places that flouride can sometimes actually make tooth decay worse. i'm reading more about diet and health in relation to tooth decay, since both boys have lots of dental issues and will report back as i make more ajustments and we have more dental exams.

one last thing for today... Declyn has been throwing major temper tantrums the last 2 days, esp. when i ask him to do things...he acts goofy, then he acts fresh then he gets destructive and violent, i actually have had to physically restrain him by holding his arms and/or pinning him to his bed (mostly because he keeps punching me or his brother or throwing things at us)and even then he screams and turns red and struggles, i then talk to him as calmly as i can and explain that i love him but his behavior is unacceptable...while he still acts angry for a bit and may even try hitting me, again i do my best from there to just give him some time and space to think...finally he told me today "i have feelings i don't understand and can't explain and it makes me mad." (this often happens when he is tired and much of the anger is directed at me and/or his brother, so could be jelousy, but i don't know), what i have sorted out is that sometimes what he really needs is just some time to think quietly, so i'm trying to work out some ways he can express his feelings in a more constructive manner and/or have a quite break without feeling like i'm putting him in time out. he really is a deep thinker and very intense child who asks many questions and observes his surroundings astutely and i think he internalizes everything until he doesn't know what to do with it all, much like his mother. i will keep everyone posted on this progress as well.