starting a new blog

yeah, i've been slacking on the blogging and there have been a lot of things going on....fighting a bout of depression, feeling crappy about not having a lot of money, trying to get my finances and my body in better shape, etc. so i'm keeping this short for the moment...i just wanted to say that i am starting a new blog. if you haven't heard of Whole 30 it's worth checking out...i have yet to read "It Starts With Food" but i did a Whole 30 back in march and have been meaning to do another...i'll be starting another one next Tuesday (or sooner) and am starting a blog about it and paleo/primal lifestyle in general. i'll post a link once i start it up. so check back and i'll be linking and trying to keep both blogs fairly up to date.

so much...so so much to say

i'm not totally sure where to start...i feel like i've been failing as a blogger, i don't blog all that regularly, but also i sometimes feel like i'm not being as good a parent as i should then things like what happened today happen...

As usual we were snuggling in bed while waking up, morning snuggle time is a favorite time in our house and connor looked at me and said "you are the best mommy, in the whole world! i'm so glad i have a nice mommy, like you, not like _____'s mommy!" (mind you the words may not be exact, since it happend several hours ago and i omitted the other child's name, not that i completely remember it). he went on to tell me about how the girl he mentioned gets hit by her mommy, sometimes for no reason and sometimes with a belt...the look of horror on my face must have been noticeable, because both kids climbed up closer and snuggled more tightly with me as we discussed it...i told connor that we needed to tell his guidance counselor because someone needed to know who can try to keep her safe...and i did my best not to break down crying for the poor girl right then and there. during breakfast the boys asked about why a parent would do that and the best i could come up with was that maybe they were broken and hurting inside and didn't know how to love.
after the kids had gone to school i posted on facebook about how/why i was feeling distracted and got into some conversations with dear friends about it, but before that i had called the school and left a message for the guidance counselor. something during the conversation with my friends made me realize that i am totally overcritical of my parenting skills...while i have had mistakes and rough spots, i've learned a lot we've come a long way and have been implementing all sorts of things that allow my kids to feel safe telling me just about anything and we can discuss openly how we feel (for the most part...declyn still has times that he'd prefer thinking in silence until he feels ready to talk) and we have been having far fewer breakdowns since we started admitting we all need a little quiet time for ourselves from time to time and that sometimes what we really need is a hug or someone to hear and listen to what we are saying. i still yell sometimes, but i yell less and i catch myself and take a quick "time out"...we are all works in progress and i would never even think to use any implement or even my hand on my kids violently.
Right now i'm hoping that the guidance counselor is getting that poor sweet girl some sort of help and has talked to connor. I'll try to be back tomorrow with some friday link love.
peace, love, unity, respect...one love to you all. ((hugs))

handling anger...

anger...it's something you sometimes stamp down...push it down into your gut...stuff it down until you can't hold it any longer and burst out often hurting those around you in some manner.
yup, i flipped my lid...this weekend the kids were refusing to help picking things up and i found myself yelling and screaming i could hardly make sense of what i was yelling about let alone expect my 5 year old sons to understand it. then i realized that pushing all my emotions down for years holding on to past negative experiences stuffing down piles and piles of feelings was making me bitter and angry and resentful, not all of the time, but at certain moments, often when i feel stressed, these negative emotions and all the anger burst out and i freak out...screaming like a mad woman...and the tears that i really needed to release started flowing...i was mad that i was yelling at my kids...angry at myself and sad for them that i had done so, and i was also weeping for other reasons...you see, i used to cry a lot, sometimes i didn't even know why i would cry, but in the last 7 or 8 years, i have cried so few times...yes i cried easily when my boys were first born, but i've done a lot to build a fortress around myself...i've been hurt a lot and stuffed it down and stuffed it down...i stuff down so many feelings that it's not surprising i'm having a hard time loosing weight. i hold all these emotions on my physically as well as the internal damage they have been wreaking. while i was crying and coming to these realizations a little body wrapped around me and i heard declyn's little voice "mommy, i love you! it's gonna be o.k., we're gonna be o.k. you just need love." and i hugged him closer and cried even more...he was right...i try and try to keep from loving and being loved because of the pain that i have suffered, but what i really need is love. i don't remember when i stopped loving myself or when i started stuffing my emotions down, exactly, but i sure as heck am going to switch gears...how can i teach my kids to love themselves and to handle their emotions and express themselves if i am not doing so??? (i even cried while writing this)i cried until i finally felt i could stop and handle the situation calmly.
about a month ago i decided to start being more true to myself and stop feeling the need to defend and explain so much of what i do and immediately ran into a wall... and as usual figured i'd better do as everyone wants/expects...but you know what, it gets me no where. all the explaining what and why and arguing with people who will never understand me or my point of view...so i am taking baby steps..working slowly at being more fully expressed and not taking crap for my decisions...i'm sick of trying to please everyone else and walking on eggshells. i'm sick of hiding my emotions and living up to other people's standards and expectations rather than my own. does this mean i'm going to yell and scream some more, possibly, but i'm hoping to manage to find more constructive ways of handling my negative emotions...i've done it before and can manage to do it again.
anger is a difficult emotion...first there is sorting out the real reason for it, if there is any and sorting out why you are feeling that way and who it is directed at versus who you are really angry at, but if you don't handle it it eats away at you and you stuff it down anyway you can until you can't contain it anymore...i used to write poetry and draw or paint to handle whatever emotions i was feeling...i can never get the time to do those things, nor the money for the supplies these days, but i have to somehow. that and getting back to a regular daily meditation practice...anyway, this is probably not the best post i've ever posted and has more to do with my emotions than it does with parenting, but it's what i got for the moment.

back in the saddle

i haven't update this blog in so long...partially, just not knowing what to write or not putting aside the time to write, but so many things have been happening that much of the time i just didn't even think about it...so, back in the saddle and writing again.
so much is going on and has been going on...the kids are learning to read and write, they still need a lot of work on it, but the are 5 years old i don't expect them to be proficient any time soon. we've had our difficulties at school learning to grip the pencil, needing extra help writing, being distracted/low attention span, being teased, etc... but they are really blooming and blossoming in to wonderful and unique little dudes...choosing to wear blue nail polish to school despite adversity, wanting to grow hair long or wear gnome or viking hats to school (i crocheted the gnome hat, but bought the viking hats, but have since found patterns to crochet viking hats with detachable beards, which we may have to do), discussing and discovering ideas such as belief systems, and using our third eye and diversity...connor and declyn both have fairy friends that most people can't see, so they tell people all they need to do is use their third eye...unfortunately, most people do not/will not get the concept, but i encourage them to continue with their quests. connor has been showing great interest in the god thor (he's a super hero and a god, so that is extra cool) and declyn is more interested in the green man and stories of avalon and fairies, so i figure that we'll get books on both...read up on norse mythology and on green men and celtic myths and fairie stories, let them choose their paths as we go, let them decide what is right for them, they may change here and there, i know i've had my own variances and adaptations on my path. i hear from both teachers about how well behaved the boys are and how sweet and affectionate they are and how rare it is that they have a child so affectionate and connor's teacher loves the "apple notes" that i send in, saying that they help perk him up and lift his spirits and that she loves reading them to him because they are so special and so heartfelt. declyn is a special child in many ways...he has had extremely vivid dreams and nightmares since infancy and often seems "out of his body" or "in his own little world", usually because he sort of is...he does what some people spend a lot of time trying to do, but comes naturally to our family...he goes into the astral realm and sees 2 worlds at once...but he needs to learn to control it some so we are learning meditation techniques and making astral protection amulets and a special dream pillow and dream catcher for him. i'm sure some people are going to think it's crazy, but if anyone knows what indigo children are, they'll know just how special these "children" are (many indigoes are not children anymore). well, i'll leave it at that for the moment...i may come back in a day or two wth my gnome and elf hat pictures. peace and love to you all!

house cleaning, ballet and a boy with fashion sense...

yup, that sort of sums up this week...i'm trying to get things clean around here (nothing new there) and declyn went to the eye doctor...his eyesight is making big improvements and he may be done with glasses within a couple of years. tuesday the kids had a day off (professional development day?)and we went to the mall and stopped into a kids clothes store where declyn fell in love with an argyle sweater vest and fedora and driver cap...yup...this boy has a sense of style. he also liked the "handsome shirts" (button up/oxford shirts) and some neckties and bowties. now if you ask him what he wants for christmas/yule it's "drums, that cool hat (fedora) and science stuff and tools"...gotta love it! this morning declyn was doing ballet while i was making breakfast and i told him he was doing lovely ballet and he said he'd love to take ballet class, but was afraid that boys can't do ballet, i re-assured him that they could and i posted on facebook about it and we have gotten quite a bit of support...really, not enough boys do ballet or are encouraged to follow such dreams. I'm hoping to find some local classes maybe he and his cousin, lolli could take classes together.

anyway...having twins one of the things i've really wanted to instill is a sense of individuality...i really don't like that so many people clump them in as if they were one child...they are so incredibly different...they may look (nearly)identical, but they have different personalities, different tastes in clothing, different interests. i have always been a bit unique and i really don't express myself through clothing and style the way i once did...when i had kids i got rid of some of my more radical clothes (a lot of my punk and/or goth stuff) and i regret that...i think i need to set an example for my kids by being myself and fully expressing who i am so that they can feel more free to express who they are...connor is a jeans and t-shirts, comfortable not too fancy shoes kind of kid...sure he likes a nice shirt or sweater for dressing up, but he'd rather wear a t-shirt most days, right now he really wants a skull sweatshirt that zips all the way up so that the hood is also a mask and he loves all things rock and roll and thinks steampunk styled stuff (esp. hot air balloons and airships)and guitars and all forms of rock and roll type things (skulls, music, instramants) are cool and loves to draw. Declyn is more interested in drums, science, steampunk (esp. anything to do with mad scientist, science and inventions) and "handsome" things (fedoras, driver caps, oxford shirts sweaters/sweater vests, vests, khakis, neckties, bowties or if he wears t-shirts or henleys preferably they have no pictures) and ballet. i do what i can to encourage all of their interests and to nurture their individuality. this morning, at the bus stop, declyn has built a "fortress" actually he and connor built it together(they work well together) by lining up and piling several larger rocks and some of the bigger kids purposely knock it down...partially because these kids are never monitored by parents and partially because they just don't get it...that rocks can be a fortress or that that can be something so important that declyn gets angry and yells and screams and turns red in the face over it...i told declyn we'll rebuild his fortress in a secret location over the weekend. Declyn doesn't get that other people have no imagination...connor gets this and since i had told him that people don't see fairies or dragons because they don't know how to look with their 3rd eye was trying to tell children and adults alike that they could see dragons if they looked with their 3rd eye and explained "but you have to be ready, really ready." when people looked at him strangely he walked off shaking his head and mumbling "oh...they aren't ready...no one is ready." very exasperated...connor gets that others don't know how to see things the way we often do and he'd like to help them, but he hasn't figured out that most people never will open themselves to the wonders that can be there if you just shift your perspective and open up to the possibilities of what lies beyond the veil of the mundane.

so another weekend is about to start...last week my neighbors kept us up/woke us up with their partying and i'm not looking forward to that, however i am looking into some possible changes that could at least get us away from this neighborhood...if not in a terribly improved situation at least to a better place for us. well, off to do more cleaning...have some floors to clean and pans to scrub, i promised the kids that they could help with the bathrooms...since that is "science expirament bathroom cleaning"..hehe. oh and happy Spirit Day....i hope others are wearing their purple and bringing awareness to the issue of bullying.

happy birthday to me and happy coming out day!

ok...i keep meaning to post more often, and i will get some recipes up soon. today i turn 36...where do the years go??? i certainly don't always feel like the same girl i was 20 years ago, when i still had big dreams about my future...then again, i do still have some big dreams about my future, they've just shifted gears a bit...instead of wanting to be married at 20 and becoming a big fashion designer i've decided i want to raise 2 awesome kids to be self assured, creative young men and that i'd love to one day have my own business and a cool eco friendly home with plenty of room for an awesome garden. will it happen? i don't know, but instead of dwelling on past mistakes and divergences from the path i wanted to be on i choose to see those as learning experiences and growth opportunities and keep moving forward to a future that could be brighter and better than i even imagined. i still make mistakes, i booby trap myself...setting myself up for failure at times...usually afterwards i have a thought of "oh, you walked right into that knowing it wouldn't work and it didn't what were you thinking?", but i think a lot of people do that. i say just keep being the best you you can be and move forward, don't let anything hold you back, because you never know what lays ahead, just around the corner...waiting for you to take that chance. what's in store for me in the next year? i really have no idea, but with some luck and hard work, maybe i'll finally be able to start my business.

today is school picture day and the boys are dressed rather handsomely...connor is in a ralph lauren multi-coloured plaid button front shirt and declyn is in a blue striped button front shirt with an argyle sweater vest and his hair is slicked with pomade for the first time...he loves that it can easily go back into place even if it gets messed up easier than with gel. sometimes, from things he says or does i wonder if he may be gay, but he could be bi or straight, yet a bit flamboyant or just care about how he looks...nothing wrong with any of it...he's a sweetheart and as long as he is comfortable with himself then i'm happy with that. he and connor are so different in many ways, just like my sister and i are very different, yet we love eachother so much (my sister and i are not identical twins, we are 2 1/2 years apart, but just goes to show how each child is truely unique no matter how much their DNA is identical).

so in honor of coming out day i just want to say how proud i am of all of my friends and family who have pushed those closet doors open and come out...it's not easy , but i hope it gets easier and easier for everyone to be able to do. Love you all! stay true to yourself!

friday link love on sunday???

yup, i'm a bit off this week and friday link love is coming at you a couple days late. it seems i'm fighting off the head cold that has been pestering grammy and the kids all week. so chicken soup has been one of our saviors and in honor of it i have some link love for homemade broth...and it's benefits

and this broth and recipe looks awesome!

looking for some fun fall crafts to keep the kids busy??? here are some cool leaf crafts!

so i guess that is this weeks link love. I am currently using the tutorial from last week's linklove to make homemade yogurt. peace and love to you all!